Weeks 8-13

OK seriously my body is changing. How does she know? Here's how I know:



1. You're in the DRs office and you see woman after woman waddle past with an unbearable grimmace on her face...and this lady her name is: Christie's future. I swear Kip paid them each $5 to walk by just to entice panic!



2. As a stomach sleeper it rocks your world the night you go to bed and realize that sleeping on your stomach directly is no longer a possibility. So you sleep on it inadvertently and then a week later not at all...sleepy time is now no so much sleepy time anymore...evil preparations for parenthood. Shouldn't I be storing up zzzz s not using the spare I have?



3. You order a huge dinner because you're starving, you eat three bites and something (someone ;) ) inside says to you "if you eat one more bite you WILL be sick, I promise!"



4. Things are not where they should be. This used to be back there and that used to be higher and those used to be smaller and less pancake looking...this can not end well for my parts.



5. I fit into those pants yesterday...



While all these things (and more) are changing, evolving, rotating, and migrating I'm so grateful that they are. We couldn't be more happy with a baby on the way! We have started some of the preparations for bringing a baby home and becoming parents. Everyone tells me that pregnancy goes by fast and I hope that I'm as prepared as I can be by the time Minibuns comes!



Today is July 1, 2010 and I am 13w 5d and feeling great. I feel different and there are moments when I don't feel like I'm me anymore. Moments where I coudl burst into tears because I'm confused about who I've become. Then I realize that a) I'm a mass of hormones. So while this crying and hysteria are totally unreasonable, it's completely justifiable. b) I'm no longer living for me. c) the person being put into that cute little onsie will be totally worth all my discomfort and stranger-like feelings with my own body.



For those of you who don't know yet, we will NOT be finding out the gender of our baby. Well eventually we will, but not prior to birth. SO all of you who are asking to just have one quick peek when we turn our backs or one quick word with our DR, the answer is no. We don't want to know, but when we do know, we want to be the first (or second and third after the DR) to know! Sorry to dissapoint!

Ultrasound #2 8 Weeks 6 Days May 28th 2010

Our little baby at 8weeks and 6days. Measuring one day advanced at 9weeks 0days. Although I'm still determined to deliver ON my due date! (@ 1:11am!)

The day that made it all worth it...

We can't believe it but we are finally having a baby! Here's how we found out.

I went in for my blood draw on Friday April 23, 2010 @ 8:30am. Usually they call us around 3pm for results. I went home. I was watching TV and considering taking a nap since the waiting was torture. So I was about to get comfortable and fall asleep and the phone rang, I looked and it was the REs office...but it was only 10:55. This is a little early...
I usually make them leave a message but I didn't I answered it, which I normally don't because Kip wants us to be together when we find out. So I answered and I said "Hi I know what you're going to tell me but don't' tell me because Kip's not here and he wants us to be together." (Imagine that as one word, because that is how it came out). I got sick to my stomach...I was so nervous. I told them I would call them back. Nurse N was very understanding and said that she would take my call when I called. (Also very unusual). I call Kip (10:56) I told him they called and he said "well I guess I can come home before class then and we can call them" I got really quiet. Kip says "Or I could come now if you want" I say "yes come now, I can't wait." Kip comes home and his normal 5-20 minute commute was 12 minutes. WE hung up at 11 and he was home by 11:12. I was totally writhing in pain, my stomach hurt so bad due to nerves. I barely said hi before I started dialing...
Those were the longest two rings ever...then the longest 20 seconds of hold time. (Which in hold time is nothing!) Nurse N gets on the phone and asks if we are together and we said yes and she said "well...YOU'RE PREGNANT" I said "Shut up" she giggled and said "I'm serious!" So then I lost it, wailing I was crying so hard. All that work worth it. In an instant, all my hope, restored. Kip was welling up and had PERMAGRIN! (yes that is a real word). We kind of heard her instructions to continue meds and stop other things and carry on with life this way but not that etc...it was a blur. After that announcement you can't really expect us to hear you anymore!
So when we got off the phone we hugged and cried and I think Kip was about to do cartwheels in our bedroom and I giggled at him he was so giddy! We called Janeen right away because we knew we wanted to tell my parents in person and dad was at work so we wanted to wait until they were together. When we finally got a hold of Janeen she screamed so loud she was so excited! She was screaming and Carl she said was smiling for us! That was a fun moment. We were on cloud nine.
Later that night we went over to my parents. My sister (who knew none of this was going on until this moment) was there. We walked in and my mom is trying to show me all this stuff she bought at Macys and I'm like seriously you need to HUSH, because Kip was giving my dad a gift we had bought him. It was a Barnes and Noble bag and my dad opened it up and it was cigars. He looked at Kip and was like "cigars" with a question mark on his face. Kip said (barely loud enough for my mom to hear) "yeah you'll need those in nine months to hand out in the waiting room" INSTANTLY my mom was crying hysterically. I know you know the kind of crying, where you can't catch your breath you are like stutter crying? That was her. My sister is like "I'm royally confused" but she was excited. So then we filled her in on the experience up until that point and she was like OK I get it now!

We aren't telling the "world" until I am 12 weeks. That will be June 20th. So if you are reading this and it is after June 20th and I'm still pregnant feel free to tell the world!

We are so thrilled that we finally crossed the finish line. And now we can't wait until I graduate from the RE to a regular OBGYN. We are just excited and blessed and still I think a little shocked that we actually made it to this point. The REs office has a tree on the wall, and you get to sign it when you have a baby. I can't wait to sign that thing! The tree, that used to be the wall of "look what I did that you can't do" staring at me every time I sat and waited in the waiting room. I can be a part of the "other side" now and I can't wait. Also Kip and I were talking about how our baby will get to be on one of the bragging walls they have there, the millions of baby pictures. Every time we would leave I would stare because those babies were conceived how mine would be. And it gave me a little bit of hope knowing that.

We are pregnant. Hallelujah!

Eggs-Emrbyos-Uterus

Well Kip and I had our first FET on April 13, 2010 and it went well. When we got there I went in the room had acupuncture and a valium just like last time, laid on the table and relaxed. This happened for about an hour and I was dying to know how many of our 4 embryos survived thawing from cryopreservation. (The deep freezer!)

Backing up about 5 days...we had been communicating with our RE regarding how many embryos to transfer. At 60% thaw rate we were certain we would lose at least one embryo to the thawing process. We had decided that since we would be out of frozen embryos we would try to convince our RE to transfer all surviving embryos (under the assumption there would be 3 viable).

Back to transfer day. Dr. S (RE) walked in and said "Okay well we have 2..." (insert my heart sinking from the idea of 3 but happy to have at least 2)"...good embryos and 2 poor embryos, but they all survived and I'm willing to transfer all 4 if you guys want to." Now this is not common practice for a woman of my ripe young age ;) (28). So I was floored. But I can't get anxious or stressed because I'm not suppose to cramp or get excited or allow my uterus to move one hair (my uterus was zen by then). So I look at Kip and Dr. S backs up and looks down probably thinking we should decide this and gave us a minute. I looked at Kip (who previously was apprehensive about 3 but felt it was the best route to take in our specific situation) and he nodded. I said ok we're doing this? He nodded again, and then we had to initial our lives away to give Dr. S the go ahead to transfer all 4 embryos. She left and got all "sterile" and came back. Appearing through the door where magic happens came the embryologist to collect the catheter, disappeared and came back with our air bubble, embryo, embryo, embryo, embryo, air bubble, air bubble filled catheter! It was a tense moment for which I could not physically BE or GET or THINK about the word tense! ZEN...zen....zeeeennn. Dr. S thread the catheter in and placed the 4 embryos. I continued zen for another 40 minutes, including another round of acupuncture pins. Then we took our pictures and well wishes from everyone and headed home.

The following week (Transfer was 4/13 Tuesday @ 2pm) I laid in bed/chair and did nothing. I was, as the RE ordered, a princess. Through the weekend I allowed myself some activity, not a lot but enough to maintain my sanity. Our first blood test will be 4/21 follow up blood draw and pregnancy results on Friday 4/23.

Eggs

Embryos
Uterus

Ephipany/Future Plans

As I suspected our IVF#1 was negative. Our two embryos did not make it. It was devastating. We cried and hugged it out and hopefully have healed as best we can. My way of coping has become "what's next" I always want to know what the next plan is and I don't want to hear "well after three years of BCP we'll start you on a protocol." It always feels as if they want to put me on the pill for what seems like forever before we get started. (In reality its only 3-6 weeks). This time around we were "rolled into" an FET. (Frozen Embryo Transfer) Where they thaw embryos we had frozen from our last cycle and transfer them. I didn't even have to go on the pill this time. Because I was having my period I was on day 4 when I got my BFN they started me the next day CD5 on estrogen injections. Unfortunately this round of injections is Intramuscular which means in the booty. But nothing I can't handle! Then on the 4/8 I will start Progesterone in oil shots, antibiotics (to keep me healthy for transfer), an anti inflammatory, and continue the estrogen injections. We are only about 10 days out from that transfer. I'm not very optimistic. It's hard to think you're going to have to relive pain you just went through...again. However, Kip continues to be so supportive and reminds me constantly that one day we are going to get the call that makes all the negatives seem so far in the past. So that keeps us going strong! I feel like IVF has been the biggest blessing in my life. This is my epiphany. No matter how hard or how down I get some days, I'm realizing that this has been the hardest blessing of my life. Although it's been tough and we've has so much disappointment I realize that when this does go right and we get that call that makes it all worth it, I will appreciate it so much. I think and hope that when our child is born and things are rough and I'm tired and things don't seem as perfect as I imagine them I will remember everything I went through to get this miracle and I will remember that this is my miracle, he or she IS my miracle. I'm blessed in life to know in advance I will have a miracle happen for me. Not everyone can feel so sure or know they will have a miracle. I'm going to. And I will treasure it everyday. I don't know if before infertility I would have been as appreciative. I think that I would have taken things for granted. I'm not implying that other people do this or that there won't be days I forget my journey. I'm just saying that I, ME, I'm blessed. And I have to remember on the days it's hard, the days I want to crumble in a ball of tears on the bathroom floor that I am blessed. This is my journey and for that I'm grateful and I just have to remember my miracle is going to come and I just have to be patient. I will be a mom, and I will get to see Kip as a father. Our journey will end with that. What our journey will consist of is constantly unknown but I know for sure we will be parents. And today, that is a huge step for me. Today I'm making progress. Tomorrow I will be even stronger because today gave me that strength.

Bummed

Friday I had a bit of spotting and everyone was telling me it was probably implantaion spotting. Regardless it totally freaked me out. It was the first moment I realized that maybe this IVF didn't work. But I still had a string of hope. I was 30% I wasn't pregnant, but still 70% sure I possibly could be. Saturday the spotting continued. Sunday the spotting still continued. Sunday afternoon cramps like crazy spotting turned into AF. I knew it. It was devastating. I couldn't break down. I still had 10% hope that I was pregnant. But for the most part knew this was it for me. I still had hope because I've never had breakthrough bleeding with progesterone suppositories. Monday am, the morning of my pregnancy test, today, I knew without a doubt, this was AF. Usually I get my blood work done before I start AF so I'm at least prepared she's coming. This was unusally cruel and mean, this was a shock. Even though it crept up from Friday, this was in general unexpected and cruel. I haven't gotten my results back yet from the doctors office, but I already know what they will say. I already know that this is my period. It's hard because when I tell everyone that, no one believes me. Everyone still has hope. But knowing what I feel and knowing my body I know this is it for me. I get that as an outsider it would be hard to believe, and I would be in denial too. I know everyone else still has hope that I am pregnant, but I believe that if I am pregnant something is terribly wrong in there. If I am pregnant I don't know how the baby will survive this. I'm 2% hopeful there is still a small chance my embryo implanted...but 0% sure it will survive. 0% sure I am pregnant. 100% sure I am not. Now back to waiting for the sad sad confirmation call. Bleh

My day in the life of fresh emrbyo transfer, and valium...and acupuncture...and flattering pictures!

OK here I am laying with acupuncture pins in me. This is prior to the embryo transfer. I was laying there wondering if any of my emrbyos (the four we had remaining out of the freezer for our fresh cycle) had made it to transfer day. They came in and gave me a valium to relax me and I figured "Well at least one had to have made it!" So I was trying to relax. OH and thanks for noticing yes I did get a pedicure. For the very reason my feet would be in their faces! Yay for me. Forget the vag-JJ in their faces they seem to be digging to china in, my feet are pretty!

Embryo 1 & 2 as I call them. The one with the star next to it was transfered and the other was left out to watch progression and possibly freeze if doing well. Dr S says she likes the "lacey" look to this embryo!

Embryo 3 & 4 (4 is down at the bottom right you can only see the top of it.) Well this embryo with the star next to it was "proven to be the strongest" because of the cell mass in the middle navigating its way to the side. This apparently means (and I'm still learning) that the emrbyo is preparing itself to hatch. I was nearly in tears. I was very excited!






Here is a picture of my uterus (which is hard to see because it's so magnified). They fill the cathedar with an air bubble, two embryos, air bubble and air bubble respectively. The cathedar was being thread in through the left side of the picture (my cervix, feet on left head on right) and so the white dots are from R to L air bubble, 2 invisible embryos, air bubble, air bubble and then the cathedar was left in my cervix. (Not permanently they took it out I promise...well at least I think!)

Action Jackson

Well today is Sunday and last Thursday I had my baseline u/s and started stimming. My uterine lining was nice and thin (good sign as it was the second day of my period) and I had no cysts on either side! This was also a first for me! I had 15 resting follicles on my left ovary and 7 R.F. on my right. So overall a possibility of 22 follicles (or eggs) this week!
I'm on day 4 of shots (3-4/day) and I'm fine with the injections they don't bother me anymore, but the side effects are starting to get to me. I have to remind myself that I'm half way there, and my doses went down today so hopefully it won't get worse. I could stimm for 4-6 more days depending on how well I respond. Last night through tonight is when I've had horrible stomach cramping and threats of getting sick. I'm achey all over and of course, bloated. This is hopefully just from my follicles getting nice and plump!
A quick shout out to all my S.Cyster girls. I really appreciate all the advice and support you give! I don't know how I would have gotten through all this without you!
Thursday is our first follicle u/s and then we'll go from there! Kip and I are placing bets on the # of follicles we will have. I have my b/w tomorrow and hopefully I get the all clear there!

Doing nada...I'm over it!

So far I'm doing nothing. Well I know I'm "resting up" my ovaries but COMMON already isn't this waiting over? I know it just started but I'm done doing nothing. I'm ready for the inejctions and the u/s appointments and all the craziness. I know, Kip probably isn't ready for the hormonal me, but he and I both know that it will be worth it. Reading so much about IVF I'm anxious to see what medicine and what results I will have. I know it only takes one, but I want 25 follicles! It's such a scary balance but I'm ready to get the roller coaster on the tracks already! We have an appointment on Monday regarding my plan of care (get my calendar and order meds) and until then I'll be sitting on my thumb!
TICK FREAKING TOCK!

i had to share this, scroll to the bottom of the blog and pause the music first before you hit play on this video!

POST U/S

So they had to dilate my cervix, it was very uncomfortable. Then when they put a lot of fluid into your uterus really fast that was super uncomfortable. But the overall procedure after dilation wasn't too long and over faster than I thought. So that was nice and I'm glad it's over, I just hope they learn something from it, as it was an expensive procedure, and I have a strong feeling my insurance won't cover one penny of it, even though they say they do.
Now moving forward, in all aspects!

Sonohysterogram

I have my sonohysterogram today in an hour. I am all of the sudden getting very nervous. Also excited for my DR to have a map into the mystery that is my uterus.
In the past at my inseminations and my hysterosalpingogram they have said every time (like I didn't KNOW from the previous 90 people who have seen my cervix, including one ER doctor who actually found my cervix so interesting he showed every nurse on the floor and my husband!) you have a pin point opening to your cervix! So I am hoping my RE can find her way around in there and so we have every possible odd on our side for the day of embryo transfer!
Ok I will post after!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's like someone eating and smelling and tasting your most favorite food right in front of you.
It's as if all the pregnant women commiserate and go out to the grocery store at the same time just to bombard me from all angles. It's as if everyone is accidentally getting pregnant.

My lack of conception is a loss every month. Still harder, getting up getting dressed. Preventing getting depressed.

Never knowing what could have been last month. Wondering if what could have been is truly what MIGHT BE. To believe that it's possible still.

The word HOPE makes me cry. I am having a hope crisis. I want to have it, and moving forward in my cycle seems to help slightly. But deep down I just feel empty and scared and just horrified that I'm going to come out of this is more of a crisis than I ever thought there could be.

No one said the roads in life were smooth and easy to get through. And yet, the road to parenthood has been uphill and bumpy the entire way. I hope that when I wake up and my eyes see the top of the hill it's a smooth sunny wonderfully beautiful.

After 4 failed attempts at IUI we have made the decision to plunge into the depths of IVF. We know it's an emotional, physical, and financial comittment. But for a baby, we are will to push past the hard in dreams of the other side.
My goal with IVF, after of course having a healthy baby is to make sure my baby doesn't weight less than my file at the REs office!

BCPs CD3-?
Then I start my Lupron protocol and then continue BCP. And then lupron + FSH.
We shall see how it goes. I have my H2O Ultrasound this week and I hopefully will get the all clear on that and be good to go for the next long agonizing 3 months of protocol. Time to succumb to the Ambien...
G'night ladies!

Journal entry 1/6/10

To Baby:
Today is a day I will tell you in a story when you are older. Today dad and I went to see Dr. Slater. She is a doctor who is helping mom and dad conceive you. We have been seeing her since July of 2009. We have had 4 unsuccessful attempts at conceiving you via IUI and are now moving on to a more aggressive technique called IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). That is where they create you outside of me and put you back in to grow.
Your dad and I were nervous as we waited 45 minutes for our appointment. Yesterday when I got the heart wrenching news that I was not pregnant, I was really sad. Then I was mad that it's almost 2 years of trying to have you and I have failed. So needless to say I wasn't very patient while waiting for our appointment.
Basically they think mom has something called "endometriosis" and it is preventing me from getting pregnant on my own. So we have been advised that we need to bypass my pelvis altogether and create you on the outside.
I just want you to know that even though you aren't here with us yet you are so dearly loved. Even your grandparents love you and talk about you often. We talk about names together all the time. Everyone is so excited to meet you! And no matter when you come, you will be our miracle.
Grandma and I went to lunch today. When I told her about us considering IVF she cried with joy. She kept saying how excited she was! (I swear she already has your crib picked out)
Yesterday my hope was taken from me. And today a small piece of that hope was restored. And I know I will heal but it will take awhile. Maybe I will nickname you Hope. For you will restore all the hope that has has been lost in me.
I love you my darling. Your dad loves you precious child.

Mom